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Why Learning to Put Yourself First Is So Hard
How to Put Yourself First in a Relationship
How to Put Yourself First Without Feeling Guilty
Learning to Put Yourself First Starts with Small Steps
How to Love Yourself First in a Relationship
How to Put Yourself First Without Being Selfish
How to Put Yourself First After a Breakup
Final Thoughts: How to Put Yourself First in Life
Taking care of yourself shouldn't feel like a luxury. Yet for many people—especially women and caregivers—the concept of putting yourself first brings up feelings of guilt, selfishness, or discomfort. In this article, based on insights from accountability coach and fashion stylist Stephanie Rumble, we explore how to reframe these beliefs and start creating a life where you can show up fully—for yourself and for others.
Why Learning to Put Yourself First Is So Hard
From an early age, many of us are taught that taking care of others is noble—even expected. When that mindset is deeply ingrained, any attempt to focus on your own needs can spark resistance, especially in the form of guilt. Stephanie explains that these beliefs are often passed down through generations or reinforced by cultural expectations, like New Zealand’s tall poppy syndrome.
As a result, many people live by the unspoken rule that "you must earn the right to rest" or that self-care is a reward for completing everything else. This mindset causes people to delay joy, health, and growth until it's often too late.
That’s why understanding how to put yourself first in life is so important. You can't pour from an empty cup—you have to help yourself before you help others.
How to Put Yourself First in a Relationship
One of the biggest challenges is learning how to put yourself first in a relationship
without damaging the connection. Stephanie encourages asking yourself a powerful question: Is this helping me create the life I want? If the answer is no, then boundaries are essential.
To begin prioritising yourself in relationships:
Recognise your values and needs
Communicate your boundaries kindly and clearly
Reframe self-care as a contribution, not a withdrawal
Let go of people-pleasing behaviours
Loving yourself first in a relationship starts with recognising that when you care for yourself, your relationship improves too.
How to Put Yourself First Without Feeling Guilty
In episode 44 of the Style for Life podcast (linked below): "How to put yourself first", Stephanie introduces the concept of "workability": ask yourself if your thoughts and feelings are working for your long-term wellbeing. If guilt is guiding your actions, consider whether it's actually helpful.
She shares a personal story of declining dessert at a dinner party while preparing for surgery. While guilt bubbled up, she reminded herself that the decision supported her future health. This type of self-prioritisation isn’t selfish—it’s self-respecting.
Tips to overcome guilt:
Recognise that guilt is a learned response
Replace it with affirmations that support your goals
Focus on your future self, not just your current feelings
To understand how to put yourself first without guilt, begin by choosing decisions that honour your wellbeing and long-term goals.
Learning to Put Yourself First Starts with Small Steps
You don't have to overhaul your life overnight. Stephanie recommends beginning with micro actions that align with your desired identity. These might include:
Getting up early to move your body
Eating five colourful servings of fruit and veg each day
Meditating for one minute to reset your mind
Spending 15 minutes doing something that lights you up
These simple actions are effective steps towards learning how to start prioritising yourself every day.
Stephanie’s popular Workshops on Managing Stress and Resilience offer hands-on tools to help improve emotional regulation, energy levels, and lifestyle habits.
How to Love Yourself First in a Relationship
True love requires authenticity. If you're constantly abandoning your needs, you're not being honest with your partner—or yourself. Stephanie reminds us that self-respect and self-connection are the foundation of all healthy relationships.
Accept your body and your life stage
Practice affirmations like "I deserve care, too"
Use the good China, wear the good clothes, celebrate now
When you feel secure and valued from within, external love can grow more freely.
For deeper transformation, Bright Red’s Styling services help women feel confident, visible, and authentically themselves—inside and out.
How to Put Yourself First Without Being Selfish
Stephanie draws a clear distinction: selfishness is acting with disregard for others. Self-prioritisation means making intentional choices that support your wellbeing so you can give more meaningfully to those around you.
Remember: you have to help yourself before you help others. A tired, resentful, or burnt-out version of you serves no one. This is what it means to truly take care of yourself before others.
How to Put Yourself First After a Breakup
Breakups are emotional turning points—but they’re also opportunities to rebuild. Learning how to put yourself first after a breakup can become a powerful act of self-renewal.
Here’s how to begin:
Set an alarm and start each day with a wellness ritual
Reclaim your wardrobe and refresh your personal style
Define new goals—not just for fitness, but for your future
Practice gratitude and celebrate small wins
Stephanie encourages you to take deliberate actions that serve your future self—no matter how small they seem.
Final Thoughts: How to Put Yourself First in Life
At its core, putting yourself first means creating a life that honours your long-term wellbeing. That involves recognising and releasing guilt, identifying what you truly want, and building habits that move you forward.
Remember these principles:
Stop putting yourself last
Take care of yourself before others
You need to be happy with yourself first
Prioritising yourself isn't selfish—it’s essential
You don’t need permission. Your needs matter now.
To explore mindset coaching, physical wellness, or wardrobe transformation, visit Bright Red’s core offerings:
Accountability Coaching for personalised guidance and habit change
Styling Services to help you feel and look your best
Education & Training for practical wellbeing tools at work or home
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Frequently Asked Questions
What does it mean to put yourself first without feeling guilty?
Putting yourself first without guilt means making choices that support your long-term wellbeing, even when others might not understand. It involves recognising that guilt is often a learned response—not a reliable guide to what’s right or wrong.
By evaluating whether your actions are actually helping you live a healthier, more balanced life, you can begin to shift away from guilt and toward self-respect. Stephanie Rumble calls this approach “workability”—asking whether a decision supports the life you want.
Why do I feel guilty when I prioritise my own needs?
Guilt often stems from childhood conditioning, cultural norms, or ingrained beliefs about selflessness. Many people—especially women—have been raised to believe that taking care of themselves is selfish or indulgent.
The good news is that these beliefs can be challenged. By redefining what it means to be “selfish,” and recognising your right to wellness, you can begin to let go of unnecessary guilt and take small steps toward change.
How do I start prioritising myself if I’ve always looked after others?
Start small. Stephanie recommends setting a daily alarm to give yourself just 15 minutes of uninterrupted time for something that benefits your wellbeing—whether that’s stretching, reading, or enjoying a cup of tea.
Building boundaries, scheduling wellness routines, and reflecting on what you want out of life are simple ways to begin shifting your focus. If you’re struggling to take those steps alone, consider guided support like Accountability Coaching.
What is the difference between being selfish and putting yourself first?
Being selfish means acting without regard for others. Putting yourself first means making decisions that improve your capacity to support others in the long run.
It’s not an either-or. You can set healthy boundaries and still be a caring partner, parent, or friend. Stephanie encourages reflective decision-making to ensure your choices serve both your wellbeing and your relationships.
How can I put myself first in a relationship without damaging it?
Start by identifying your personal values and communicating them clearly to your partner. A strong relationship is one where both people feel seen and respected.
Stephanie points out that when you look after your own health—emotionally, mentally, or physically—you actually show up more fully in your relationship. Healthy boundaries and self-care are key to lasting connection.
What does “workability” mean when trying to change habits?
Workability is the idea of evaluating whether your actions help you move closer to the life you want. If a behaviour is driven by guilt or obligation but leads to resentment or exhaustion, it’s not workable.
Stephanie uses this concept to help clients replace unhelpful thought patterns with practical strategies that support long-term goals—especially around fitness, health, and mindset.
How can I reset my habits after years of putting others first?
Stephanie suggests beginning with micro-habits: a short walk, meal planning, or even getting dressed in something that makes you feel good. These actions send a message to yourself that your needs matter.
If you’ve put off things like wellness routines, styling updates, or fitness, it’s never too late. Bright Red offers practical services to help guide this reset—from Styling to Workshops and coaching.
Why is self-care often harder for women?
Women are frequently socialised to be caregivers, which creates tension between personal needs and perceived responsibilities. Cultural norms can discourage women from appearing “too confident” or “too focused on themselves.”
Stephanie acknowledges these pressures and encourages women to reframe self-care as a strength. Investing in yourself is not a luxury—it’s a necessity.
What are some examples of putting yourself first without disrupting your day?
Waking up 30 minutes earlier to move your body, planning meals that support your health, or even scheduling one small activity just for you—these are all effective steps.
The key is to build in self-care gradually. You don’t need to overhaul everything at once. Accountability support can help reinforce those changes over time.
How can I stay motivated to keep prioritising myself long-term?
Focus on the life you want to create. Whether it’s better health, deeper relationships, or personal peace, motivation grows when you connect emotionally to your “why.”
Setting goals that matter to you—and tracking your progress—can help you stay committed. If you need structure or encouragement, Accountability Coaching offers personalised support to stay on track.
